A common misconception

So I’m talking to quite some people here on Tumblr and/or some IMs, and what I get a lot is “what is a nice guy like you doing in the army”, “you’re so nice, how come you’re so negative about yourself” and stuff like that.

Truth is, I’m really not a nice guy. I’m really introverted, I keep most stuff locked inside. Only a few people are/were able to get my true thoughts out. One big thing always has been my lack of self esteem, or self respect. I used to skip parties because I felt like I didn’t belong there, why would they want me there. But I never explained that, so people thought I was thinking the opposite, that I was too good for them, so I lost a lot of friends that way.

That’s why I don’t really have any friends left outside of the army, they all just left. The few people that knew my true thoughts also left me at a certain point in life: best friend moved to Africa to do charity work after his graduation, my best friend during high school moved to the opposite side of the country and she doesn’t have fb/skype/msn and changed her number and never gave it to me (I keep telling myself she forgot but I can never convince myself). I had 2 girlfriends before, one never bothered to get to know me and the other one did and had enough at some point I guess, so she cheated on me twice in one week. 

The reason why I’m writing this? My psychologist said I had to write it down in a dairy or whatever, but I’m not touching that thing anymore. I’m so disgusted when I read what I wrote a few years back. I’ve improved my self-image, but it went from 1% to 10% so that’s not that awesome yet. So that’s why I chose to write it down on Tumblr, not to bug everyone with it but to explain why I’m not a nice guy and to do the assignment, two birds with one stone huzzah!